Relieved?

So I'm feeling relieved (about 98%)...I didn't get one job that I applied for.  I didn't really want this job-nothing against the job, but I really didn't want the driving that accompanied it.  It was A LOT.  The job description itself wasn't something that interested me much either.  At the same time, I want a job, but I think I was willing to say no.  See it wasn't just driving to and from the job, it was also driving another 40 km on my lunch hour as it was divided between two places...that's the part I didn't like.  Have you ever experienced Manitoba highways and gravel roads come winter???  I tell you, you learn to drive in our weather, you become an amazing driver!  So yah, truth be told, I'm relieved-'cause I would have said no.

Secrets and Lies

Lately a few secrets have been coming out...nothing too bad, but things that I didn't share as I didn't really think were worth sharing, for various reasons.  Surprisingly enough, it's a relief.  I feel like I have more support, and I'm doing okay with all.  However, just because I might have revealed it to my family, doesn't mean that I'm ready to reveal it to the world!

It's been a rough time lately in all ways.  You know how you can get suckerpunched all at once by a host of things?  Well, that's kind of what it's been like.  I'm doing okay, but I'm absolutely exhausted!  Sometimes, I hate being a grown up...but then i also don't know if i'd want the pressures of being a kid again!

I'm pretty good at putting on the false front-those are the lies...they're as much for me though, as they are for other people.  Sometimes, I just can't deal with reactions from other people (such as the current job situation).  I pretend that I'm okay to those around me that I really don't have a lot of interaction with, but those who know me well, know how much it's killing me.  I had an interview, and apparently, my references were phoned the other day, so that's good...there's still promise and hope.  I haven't necesarily lost hope in the future, it's more that i'm not trusting the present.  I think it's all starting to show though-the facade is cracking.  I can't take certain people's bs without me getting a little bitchy, which really isn't me. 

On top of it all, I need to figure out things with my car.  I was supposed to go to an awesome concert in thOne bay, but due to being scared of bad roads and massive thunderstorms, I pulled out.  My car is on its last wings and it's gonna blow soon.  One more stress that I hope will see itself through...

I have so much to be grateful though, I really do and I know I need to concentrate on that.  There's so much out there to be thankful for-my dogs, my closest friends, my mom , and stepdad and nanas, my yard, my home, my health (which is hanging in there!), and even the fact that i'm still finding jobs to apply for.  That's good.  See?  I have a lot going for me...I just need to remind myself in the low moments how blessed I am. 

Really trying to make lemonaid...

So I truly am trying to make lemonaid from the lemons but it's almost like I have too many lemons...if you haven't figured out by now, I'm talking in metaphors.  Right now, well, I just really need a break. Everybody keeps telling me look at the bright side of things.  I'm trying, I really am but sometimes you just need to break down.  Sometimes you need to let it out and right now, I'm pretty weak right now.  People mean well, they do, but sometimes there's more comfort in silence than empty words.  Sometimes, all I want is for someone to say I'm sorry your having a rough time and not to fill the topic up with crap.  Sorry if I sound crude, but right now, I don't want fancy words.  I just want what I feel to be respected.  Some are doing that well.  Others are making me feel worse.  It's been a really shitty day. 

It's been a while since I wrote...I've been doing okay, and okay is the honest word.  I've had a heck of a year and looking back, I'm proud of how I've handled myself.  You can't control what's not in your control and I kept that in mind for the whole school year. 

Right now though, I don't know where I'll be next year.  I can't say much because of union rules and such, but a lot of us were laid off for the end of June.  I've had a couple of interviews, so I'm waiting to hear if I have a job for the fall right now.  That's just one of the things that have been taking its toll on me. 

While I know i'm not alone, it's been a really hard, lonely year.  I've learned some friends really are not friends and I've seen friends stick with me through thick and thin.  I try to take each day at a time because right now that's all I can handle.  I have to be careful though because as I have bad days, I pull away from those closest to me, and I don't want to do that.

On a plus side, work has gotten a lot better, for reasons I cannot say but the difference is night and day.  I always loved my school and kids but there were other factors that tended to take all my energy.  I'm finding that my energy is being restored and I'm getting  a 2nd wind in teaching.  I no longer feel so burnt out, even though i'm now working harder than before (motivated to).

 There's been some really neat things too...made stepping stones with my students for mothers day.  The beading club is going great with huge numbers.  And my yard is finally coming together.  I'll fill you in more later!

Graduate School, Here I Come!

So, I've been officially accepted into grad school for my Masters in Special Ed.  I'm ecstatic, a little apprehensive, but all in all, I'm really thrilled.  I want to focus on at risk students, specifically in regards to aboriginal education.  I'm being careful in who I share the information though-I just don't think some would take it well.  I'm not announing it on facebook or even at work. 

Surprisingly enough, my family is 100% behind me-which they wern't for my first two degrees.  It amazes me and feels really good to have the support.  I'll end up staying with my family when I take my classes.  Luckily, the Education Masters' program is set up that it  is weekends so I should never have to feel that I have to choose between going to school and going to work.

I've already applied for two jobs that specifically look for people with these degrees.  The fact is that many people aren't willing to go and get their Masters in Special Ed.  It's rare and because of this, I'm really hoping that I'll hear from one of these jobs.  One seems absolutely perfect for me, but it's term.  The other, while not the perfect dream job in my eyes, is permanent, but it's also with a great school divison that i've worked for in the past.  Both jobs have closed, and while one is government, I wouldn't expect to hear from them for a while.  The other one, well, I'm hoping that I would hear by the end of the week if I get an interview.  We'll see I guess.  Jobs are just starting to be posted now, and I don't plan on moving.  So whatever I apply to, I need to be able to commute to it.  We'll see....I'll keep you posted!

Trust

So I'm going to talk about something really personal...trust.  The truth?  I have huge issues with trust.  To me to fully and completely trust someone is rare.  I want to trust but the honest truth is that there isn't one person that I trust with my whole heart.  Now don't get me wrong-there are people I would trust with my life but in general, my faith in people has been shaken.  I've been hurt so much in the past year, heck my whole life, and right now, it's hard to let go completely of that hurt.  Part of it might be that I've been placed under more stress in the last year and a half too, that emotionally, I'm still recovering. 

I'm good at building walls to protect myself, and I've gotten better as the years have gone on.  But I'm not proud of this.  Don't get me wrong-I can become vulnerable in my relationships and I often wear my heart on my sleeve, both in friendships and relationships.  At the same time, that's gotten me hurt but that's who I am.  When I truly trust, it's wow. 

There is one person who knows me far above others, and you know you are.  I thank you for sticking with me through the good times and the bad times.  So many times you've been my rock and your friendship means everything to me.  How I love you!

Petting Zoos, Doc Walker, and Drew Hayden Taylor

So without even realizing it, my quest to do one new thing each month has taken on a life of its own.  I do it now without even realizing it, and I'm happy to be stepping outside of my "box".  You know, I always critisized my family for being happy within the box and never wanting to experience anything new.  I get the box-it's comfortable, it's safe, it doesn't shake the boat.  But that's also not me.  Tell  me not to shake the boat, and boy, I'll start shaking the hell out of it. But my box is cozy, but i'm not content to just be the same.  I like to grow and experience  things and take chances, even as scary as it is. 

I went to the brand new PCU centre for a concert with the girls.  I had a great time rocking out to Doc Walker and Shane Yellowbird.  I have to admit though, I got upset with Shane Yellowbird.  I was standing by the windows trying to get reception for my cell and out he walks. I asked him for a picture and he said sure, but you have to get in line with everybody else.  Ha...my revenge?  Not getting in line.  He ticked me off...lol.  I'd had my picture taken with him before, but there was no around, nobody had seen him but me, and the nice security guard said he'd take our picture.   I did get in line for Doc Walker as they are Portage boys...and one of them had taught me back in Junior High.  Great guys!

The same day, I had taken my goddaughters Kiana and Dakota, to a petting zoo at our local greenhouse.  It was okay.  Not great as they had brought everything in, but the girls loved it.  I just happened to get some awesome pics too!  We had a sleepover where we decorated eggs, watched The Princess and the Frog, decoated suncatchers, and just had a good time.  I love my girls.  I couldn't imagine life without them now. 

I also got to meet my favorite author this past week, Drew Hayden Taylor.  Oh my goodness, he is funny and easy on the eyes.  It was a pleasure to meet him and to get him to sign his new book, Motorcycles and Sweetgrass.  I've never met one of my favorite authors before, and this had a lot of meaning.  I don't know-I really connect with what he writes.  He makes sometimes understand things that I didn't understand before and I like that.  If you haven't read him, you have to.  He's absolutely funny and I promise, his books are worth buying!

Anyhow, there's more to write, but it's getting late and I need to get to bed.  Night People