Friday, July 30, 2010

Saying No to Others and Yes to Me

I am a giver.  I give and give and give until I have nothing left.  I've known that for a long time.  I've also been trying to set boundaries in place to make sure that I'm being taken care of.  So in the past, it was about making sure I had time for myself for the little things-like alone time.  Alone time is important as it calms you down and allows you to reflect.  Right now, I probably have too much alone time and again, it's balance.  What is the right balance?

Because I'm a giver, I've been taken advantage of a lot in the past.  This is something I've touched on before, but not to the same degree.  In one day, I've said no to two big things.  I said no to two different people asking to stay with me for the weekend.  Truth is I did and do have plans, but I can't afford to house anybody right now  and I've gotten nothing back from these people.  There's more, but it's quite personal.  I'm expecting another opportunity tomorrow to say no.  I've been invited over for coffee tomorrow to a friend's house.  It's a husband and wife.  I get lots back from the husband in terms of conversation but the wife from time to time, has made comments on the side how she wished she were so rich.  I'm not rich...You don't know how close I've come to have no home this summer.  I've been putting up massive boundaries with them, and retreated more because I'm tired of one-way relationships. 

Saying yes to me is hard because it comes with a bit of guilt in the heart, even though the head knows it's doing the right thing.   Growing up, I wasn't taught to have confidence in just being me-there was a lot of emotional abuse.  I've worked hard to build up my confidence but sometimes I still have trouble with those old skeletons.  It's like they say, "you're not good enough".  I've come to learn that I am good enough (good enough to be treated with respect by others).  I am no door mat.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Saying Goodbye

So last night, I had to say good-bye to friends who were leaving for New Brunswick.  Boooooo...

I'm sad for me, happy for them.  They're both from the east coast, so I'm happy they're so much closer to home.  I'm sad that I'm losing my friends, but I know through the wire we'll stay friends.  We got together and had pizza and cupcakes and talked.  Ya, I'm sad...normal people left Portage...go figure huh?

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Okay, it's me again...I figured something out or had a revelation.  Whatever you want to call it, it makes sense.  I am a purpose driven person, and I'm not talking about the book.  My life has been based on purpose and really only focused on one thing; teaching.  Now that that's gone, I'm feeling lost and without purpose.  Chi-Ching.  Does it make me feel better?  No, but it makes sense.  Right now I have no real purpose.  There's no one for me to take care of and no one for me to make a difference to right now.  I know that things will turn around and everything will make sense somewhere along the way.  When the one thing that is so precious to you is stripped away, you're left feeling naked, vulnerable, and scared.  I am right now naked, vulnerable, and scared.  I don't know what's coming next.  I have to keep telling myself that that can be good.  It's a chance to grow and to expand and to move in a new direction.  But damn, it's scary.

Hard Times

Have you ever wished that you could go back to a time where you didn't have to worry so much?  I'd love to go back to the time when I didn't have to worry about bills and rent money and when life just made more sense.  I'm just really struggling in all of this.

Going through the process of E.I. and form after form; well, it's just taking its toll.  I know that I'm intelligent, but I think to myself that this shouldn't be happening to me.  Well, it's a lie.  Folks everywhere, like me, are going through rough times.  I know I'm not the only one but life just hasn't ever offered me an easy way.  I'm just not sure how much more I can take.  Do I settle for less than I deserve?  Or do I keep trudging my way through things trying to achieve my dreams? 

Some are really good at preaching, but I just can't handle preaching right now from people who aren't in my shoes.  Sometimes it's better for people just to be quiet.  Part of me just thinks that I need to let completely go of everything and let it be...but for those of you who know me know that giving up complete control is extremely hard. 

I want to believe that things are going to get better.  I do, but I've lost my faith in people.  I want to be able to completely 100% trust somebody.  I'm tired of letting people in and being used and tossed around. 

I'm sorry that this blog went from being fun and interesting to being so depressive.  I'm just not in a good space right now.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Daughter of an Alcoholic

I am the daughter of an alcoholic.  I always have been.  Unlike some, I was lucky enought to not have been around it much.  My parents divorced as a baby, and so I only had to deal with it through visits and phonecalls.  The thing is that the earlier part of my life, I remember my father drinking but never drunk.  I even remember sitting on his lap having a sip of his beer and thinking it was the grossest thing.  I was the lucky one, though my half brothers (that my father had with his 2nd wife) were not so lucky.   

I don't really even know if I've ever seen him raging drunk.  I've seen him raging, but I don't know if alcohol was involved.  I have been on the phone with him when he was drunk and had to listen to his stupid rants.  I'd hear about the latest escapades through the grapevine, especially from my friend John who would keep me up to date when he went to visit with his dad. 

See it might sound harsh, but I really don't care what he does to himself.  I couldn't care less that he's passing out.  My father stopped being a father years ago, first when my half brother died of meningitis, and didn't invite me to his funeral, and secondly when I was 17 and he said that I wasn't his family.  My father is a sick man, incapable of being a father to me.  He really stopped being a father when I was 6. 

Something changed recently though that has me angry and brought up so much emotion in me.  So much, that I don't know how to express it without doing the wrong thing.  I found out that he is now drinking and driving, usually on a daily basis.  I've said it before, I don't care what he does to himself, but I do care when it's someone else's life involved.  I feel an anger towards him because he doesn't care about someone else's child out there.  He's made remarks that he doesn't care if he hits someone, and while I know that's the disease talking, shouldn't he care?  He lost a child-he should know better, despite the disease right?

There's nothing I can do-it's not like I live anywhere near him that I can report when I see him driving intoxicated.  I wish I could. 

All of this is affecting me more than I want to admit.  It's affecting a friendship that I have because I'm having trouble respecting the person when they're getting drunk every weekend and there's children involved.  It's like I don't want to deal with it, so I'll make myself disappear from her life.

The fact is that alcoholics and people who get drunk scare me.  And while I know that I  can't fix them, and I'm not trying to, I'm wondering how to fix this feeling inside of me. 

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Time's A Changin'

So in all of this "stuff", I am going way out of my comfort zone.  The economy sucks and right now, my life sort of reflects the economy, but I'm going forward, one step at a time.  Stress is an evil thing and while others tell me not to be stressed, well, they're not in my shoes.  Easily said than done.  Right now, I don't even know how my rent is going to get paid.  That's scary. 

There are some really great things about this though:
1.  I am able to take risks that I probably wouldn't have taken before
2.  i'm opening myself up to new experiences
3.  I'm seeing what in the past needs to be changed-I can see the people that were using me and not appreciating me.  When a friend can't be there for you emotionally, there's a problem.

So, I'm going through this as scary as it is, one step at a time.  I had my testing last night for corrections and I think it went great.  It was over 4 hours of testing and while I didn't find it necessarily hard, it was tedious and you had to stop and think.   There were three separate tests, one which has to be read by specialists in Ottawa.  They said it coud be as late as a month before we know anything.  You're probably thinking from teaching to corrections?  This isn't me leaving teaching, as I really do want to teach at the centre near me.  I'm hoping this will get my foot in the door in working with the kids I want to work with.  I love at risk kids.  That's my passion.  I need to grow, and in all that was good with the school division, there was not opportunity for growth.  So, we'll see.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Fox 7 Miami: Alex Wong Injury on So You Think You Can Dance

Broken Heart over SYTYCD

I am sad to announce that my favorite contestant, Alex Wong has been eliminated.  You all know him-I've posted his videos here.  He suffered a separated achilles tendon during practice, and is scheduled for surgery this coming Tuesday.  I hope I see you dance again gave me chills...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

New Beginnings? New Opportunities?

The drama in my life continues...I've finished school and pretty much have made the decision not to go back to the school divison i was working for or apply for any more jobs there.  Why?  Without being unprofessional, I think it's time I move on.  I don't necessarily follow some of their beliefs, and while there is hurt, there's also the realization that my passion can't really met by this school division anymore.  That's hard to say.  My dream for a long time was to be a teacher in this division until retirement.  This was the division that I as a student went to since the age of 10.  In some ways, I feel like it's like a knife in my heart, but I also feel that it's up to me to remove it and move on.  One friend said the statement, you need to be able to say when enough is enough.  It's enough.

Meanwhile, saying all this, it's a very trying time for me.  I feel beaten and let down and not sure of the future.  I don't know how I'm even going to make my bills for next month.  I'm hoping for E.I., but that's not been confirmed yet, and needless to say, I've learned to not trust E.I.  I am looking for work in the meantime, whatever that might be.  I refuse to lie down and play dead.

Times like these, you learn who your friends truly are.  I've been learning for the past while that I've had a couple people in my life who have used me and used our friendship.  The truth is I'm tired of having that kind of relationship.  I am such a giving person, but I refuse to be used anymore.  I don't know.  I don't know what they see our friendship as, but they certainly haven't been there. 

So, I'm struggling but life goes on.  I know I need to put my faith in God for all of this.

Friday, July 2, 2010

So You Think You Can Dance - Season 7 - Top 11 - Alex Wong + Allison

This was the other Alex Wong routine I wanted to show...First of all, this song gives me the chills everytime, but the dance was simply chilling and phenomenal...blowing my mind...I hope it gives you the chills too!!!


So I am a huge So You Think You Can Dance fan...huge....and usually I don't gush on t.v. here, but this warrants it, in fact you'll probably be seeing more! Alex Wong is a professional ballet dancer formerly from the Miami Ballet Company. He retired in order to take on "So You Think You Can Dance". This was phenomenal-I never thought a ballet dancer could get down and dirty with the likes of the best...check it out!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Happy Canada Day People!!!

So, today is Canada Day!!!

And to celebrate it, I gotta post a video that just says it all...nothing more to say!!!