Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tomorrow is the last day of school followed by the next day being moving day...can you say good night's sleep?
Friday, December 17, 2010
In a matter of a couple of days I found a house to rent-the only house within a 2 hour radius of where I work. My stuff is still back in Portage and will be moved after I get my first paycheck.
It's been two weeks in the classroom-I have a Grade 4 classroom with 16 students. They are energetic, sweet, but haven't necessarily given me any honeymoon period. They have had some things to adjust to, as have I. My challenge has been not having any of my stuff-I have felt quite limited without my books and resources.
Personally, it's all been quite challenging. Picking up and moving across the province is not an easy task. Coming to this area, well, I don't know a soul and I'm quite out of contact with family and friends as I've been having trouble getting in touch with them as there are no jacks in my house for phone/internet. I'm working on it, but still... If I be completely honest, it's been very lonely. It's hard not being somewhere and having a friend. I'm hoping that will come in time, but despite everything, I know in my heart this is right. This is what God planned for me.
I still have to go back and forth to Portage at times to continue packing my things and clean up. I have my old place until the end of the month. I think I'll just be relieved when all of this is over and I can relax among my own things. You don't realize how much your things attribute to home becoming home. I love my art, and it represents such a large part of who I am, and I guess it does the same with my home.
The school that I work at is quite large for the area-about two classes per grade. My challenge right now is not having any real "supplies" in my classroom-no overhead, no smart board, no student computers, no books...it'll come I'm sure in time, but it does provide challenges. I've never shirked away from a challenge though! I just have to make sure that I'm doing my part and reaching out to others-it's easy when you get overwhelmed to shirk away from people and relationships when you're trying to start things up.
So, yup, that's the story. There will be more to come along with some of the ideas to come that I've been incorporating.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
So, if you can, think of me and say some prayers for me please...
Monday, November 15, 2010
So, if you're the praying type, please say a prayer for me....thanks.
I have always hated being told what to do. I grew up in a home that in some ways was quite controlled-not a lot of movement for freedom of expression...I think I broke my family soon of that though (or at least their attempts). If somebody tells me to do something, I usually want to do the opposite. I don't think of this as rebellion as such, but more along the lines of survival (when I was younger).
Teaching at risk youth over the years has taught me one major thing: you need to pick your battles. I think too often we get careless with our words and say things we know the other person doesn't want to hear. Some things aren't worth expressing.
It's hard though that when you recognize this and then some of the people who are closest to you don't. People may think they are being helpful sometimes but unless they've walked in your own shoes, they have no idea. They cannot get the struggle and coming up with "bubble" statements clearly shows their inability to get it. And those statements, they hurt. I'm quite sensitive, and I can't help but be offended. I think we as people need to look at how we treat each other...we make blanket statements to each other, not thinking about the consequences. Personally it pushes me away, not just from the statement, but from the person.
The fact is that once someone has made a statement and the other person has said that's not for me, I think the person needs to be respectful and drop the matter completely (possibly for the rest of one's life), unless the other person brings it up. You have to ask yourself, are making my beliefs a part of my friend's (or family member's) life worth pushing them away?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
I've got a girl's night out tomorrow evening, and boy, am I looking forward to it! One of my friends (who is just a sweetheart) is celebrating a goal met, so we're going to Red Lobster. I'm looking forward to it and to getting out of Portage. I'd like to hit the new Value Village that just opened up in Unicity.
I started a new blog, which I've mentioned before on here. cheapchicbyjulie.blogspot.com
I'm loving it-I love that it's focused on one thing which is getting the most for your dollar. It's been a lot of fun in the past week doing it and planning what's to come in the future. I am such a geek but I love helping others figure out ways to do something new.
I finally finished my art piece that I've been working on, but the grouting still needs to be done-which is the actually the longest part of the project. Once I get the grout on, it'll involve me taking razors to remove it all. Tedious, but it's turning out beautiful. Already a couple people have professed interest in it!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
If you're interested in reading it, you can find it at:
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
My facebook and emails have been infiltrated with family members seeing things and asking questions and stating their opinions. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but the stress of having to deal with them is getting to be too much. They see a folder saying tattoo inspirations and to them, it means I'm hiding more tattoos from them. For the record, I've never hid my tattoos. They hate tattoos. At Thanksgiving, I was told by my grandmother that she was very disappointed in me because I had two on my foot. It was extremely hurtful-she was disgusted with me.
Right now, my family just seems to be at odds with each other-everybody is fighting and doing everything but actually saying we're hurt by each other. All the technology hasn't helped either-each one has been getting more on board with all the crazes so they are opened to a new dimension of each other. I'm going crazy. I feel like I can't express myself fully in fear of ticking someone off.
Last night, I spent a good part of me trying to fall asleep crying because of an email I got from a family member. I was told some things that I have heard all my life from individuals in my family...there's been a lot of hurt and in my family, no one is ever willing to recognize that hurt...
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Alright so what happened to me is funny. I mean, you have to look at it as funny because of all the crap in my life. I choose to laugh about this. It starts like this...
Yesterday, after feeling cooped up, I decided I needed to get out of the house. I drove to Solomon's, my favorite store in Portage (seriously, it's amazing). As I was coming out of the store, I'm looking at my car and something is very off, very weird. My licence plate is gone. Literally, where it was supposed to be was a big black backing from the car. It was gone.
I was like huh? Do people steal licence plates? I know it wasn't loose...when did I last see it? Is it possible that it was stolen?
So I headed on to Wal-Mart to treat myself to a bottle of diet coke and I ran into a friend of mine there. I told her the story and she said that hers had been stolen a couple months back. I'm like huh, so people do really steal them.
So I head back home because I have to phone my parents. My mom gets stressed out (as usual) and my stepfather is like you have to get this taken care of right now.
So I head to my insurance place. Well according to my insurance lady, Becky, it's something that happens in the spring and fall a lot. People use them for stolen cars or for vehicles that aren't insured/registeered. She said sometimes that they'll steal two different plates and put them on the front and back of the car, hoping no one notices two different plate numbers. So I get my new plates and on her recommendation, head over to the police station to report it stolen.
So, I'm on my way to the police station. All is well. I had Coby, one of my pugs in the back seat. Two blocks from the police station, I get pulled over by a ghost car. So the cop comes over and I tell her that I'm just on my way to the police station to report the plate stolen. I give her my old insurance (which matches the front plate) and the new insurance. I said I had just come from my insurance plate but hadn't put the new plates on yet as I didn't have the screwdrivers to put it on. She asks to see the new plates. I look and guess what? I can't find them. I ask her if I can get out of the car to look for them thinking maybe they've fallen under the seat. Nope. I then have to phone my insurance place-she's says yup, you've left them here. I ask the police officer if she needs to talk to my insurance agent. She says no. So I'm let go.
I go to the police station and report my plate stolen, giving them all the info. I'm pretty sure it was stolen from my residence but I'm not impressed. I mean, at least they left the screws for me but still...
The person who did this was SO not friendly...
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I've been putting some of his tips to good use and in posts to come, I'll be showing you pictures of what I've done using his suggestions. I'm also going to be sharing some of the things that have worked for me as I know cheap....
But in the meantime, you must check out his show...it's a MUST!!!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
I'm still searching for work and really don't know where God wants me to be. I'm searching all over but when it comes outside of Portage, I am careful with what kind of jobs I'm looking for. Fact is, it's expensive to live and to get set up in a new place. Then there's the cost to move. I have to be careful when I'm applying for jobs because unless it provides a wage that I can live with, pay the bills, students loans, buy necessities-well, it's not worth applying for. The fact is, good jobs are hard to come by. It's difficult, but you keep searching the job sites, hoping that there's a new job that you can apply for.
All of this has taken such a toll on me. I feel like a ghost of myself. But yet I still have to believe that there's something better for me around the corner. I've just been so disappointed the last many months in so many things. I feel like I have to fight just to keep going, keep a positive attitude, and stay focused on what's important. I'm just quite tired of this game.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Right now, I am reading, "In the Absence of Angels," by Elizabeth Glaser. It's about a woman who discovers she has the AIDS virus and that her daughter and son have it too. Back in the early 80s when AIDS first started becoming recognized, after a complicated pregnancy, Elizabeth gave birth to a baby girl. Immediately afterwards, she hemmoraged and needed 7 pints of blood. The blood turned out to be tainted.
She only finds out about 5 years later. Her daughter contracted it through her breastmilk and son in the womb. It's a heartbreaking story but the story itself doesn't focus on death, buth rather pediatric AIDS, and the fight to garner attention, research, and funds.
I can't ever imagine losing a child, and I pray that I never have to experience that. And while my struggle can never even compare to hers or her family's, I hope I can learn more grace by following her example.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
So, I don't know how many of you are professed Gleeks out there but they had a special treat on this past Tuesday; an episode based on Brittney Spear's tunes. Now, if you've read my blog before, you know that I absolutely love Mark Kanemura, and he was one of the backup dancers on the show for the song: "Me Against the Music". Check him out...both dancing and on the couch...he's fabulous!!!
Today I found out that one of my students that I taught not long ago in Sandy Bay committed suicide. I taught him, his sister, and his brother. Victor was hard for me to reach-he was often withdrawn, quiet, with a bit of a chip on his shoulder. I liked him but he was one that I just couldn't seem to reach...
The fact is there are lots of Victors out there, but people often don't want to see the issues in their own homes, communities, and homes. I think people would be shocked to learn that guidance counselling is not a priority for most school divisions, and that positions are being cut. We have so many hurting youth out there and suicide is one of the main causes of death among teens.
Maybe for Victor it's too late, but if we start standing up for youth and for youth programs, we may have a better chance of making a difference.
Today, I had court for the bankruptcy hearing. The final verdict? I am fully released owing no more money. The truth is I needed to be free in order for Manitoba Justice to accept me for corrections. It's setting in that I am finally free-and boy, does it feel good. It feels like I can start planning for the future and setting new goals. I can see possibilities and new dreams, and I haven't seen that in awhile.
Next step? Waiting to hear I'm accepted for corrections....
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Right now, it's like I take one step forward and two steps back. I jump through hoops and then get sucker-punched. I hate it...I keep reminding myself that this time is an excellent opportunity to take some risks and move out of my comfort zone. I've been out of my comfort zone for a while though. I wish God would decide to pull the plug and say, "this is where you should be". Yup...that's my perogative...
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Wanna know my pet peeve? It's when you're busy doing something on the computer and people keep interrupiting you with constant chatter, either through facebook, email, etc...They can't help it. They're being friendly, but it's not like you can tell them to get lost...I usually have some friendly chatter first followed by I'm pretty busy right now, can I talk to you later? You know who has joined the club now??? My mother, of all people. My mother has learned all about the internet and even has her own laptop. She's not just the queen of texts now, you can throw in emails and facebook. Yup, even facebook. There is nothing sacred anymore...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I dropped a whole bunch of stuff off today at MCC-my trunk was packed and my backseat. I often find it feels good to get rid of stuff, like you're being released from something. I especially like giving to an organization like MCC because it's a good feeling knowing that you're able to participate in helping someone else out-they do amazing things for the community and the world.
I am definitely not finished. I'd really like to weed out some of my teaching books, but we'll see where I'm taken on this road. But in the meantime, I continue to organize despite my office looking like a tornado has been through it (it looks that bad on one half of the room)!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I'm doing okay. Had an interview last week, have one tomorrow, so we'll see. It's been tough...but one thing I've learned is that sometimes you just have to lay your pride aside and ask for help. If I didn't do that, I wouldn't have made it. I really didn't think that I was that proud of a person but after all of this and knowing how hard it was to ask for help, that's probably something that I need to continue to work on.
Friday, August 20, 2010
To give you a quick recap, our Canadian SYTYCD decided to broadcast all the auditions within one week, and start the finals as well. Last night was day 1 and 2 of the finals (in Toronto).
A dancer, named Luka, suffers from a physical disability that leaves him needing crutches to assist him in walking. First round is the hip hop (choreographed by Luther) and he does it, though with adapted movements he created himself. Luther was impressed, as were the other judges that passed him on to the next round, theatre.
The theatre routine choreographed by Shaun, was more difficult, as it was further from his genre. The song was "Defying Gravity" from the broadway musical "Wicked". Most of the routine had to be reintrepreted to the extreme by Luka.
When it came time to dance with the group, dancers in the audience were anxiously awaiting his performance, chanting his name. Judges, after the routine, were on their feet and crying.
Comments that were made by the judges include:
Jean-Marc: "You are everything this song stands for. Watching you perform it was an honour. Luka, everyone has challenges. Me, is English...My daughter is talking and walking and what you are is an artist. I wish my daughter can see you...and she will be very proud of you..."
Trey: "When you dropped your crutches and they looked like they flew away, for anybody who can't walk, you make them believe they can do it and it doesn't matter where you end up in life as long as you love to dance, you can dance"
Blake: "It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life-to make us react like this and bring out our most beautiful, deepest, insecure crying, anything moments to see how truly beautiful you are. Thank you so much..."
Luther: "...when I first saw you dance in Montreal, you amazed me then but you totally amazed me now. And I think you're holding it down for all the b-boys and all the people of Montreal."
Mary: "...you make me happy. You are overcoming everything in your own life to inspire us. Thank you so much..."
He was given a standing applause not only by the judges, but by his fellow dancers. His group helped him back up and recovered his crutches for him. Unfortunally, he had to be cut for the next round as it was ballroom, which required him to be able to pair up with a partner, something he was unable to do. I truly don't believe this is the last we have seen of Luka.
The fact is, we are all crippled. Some of us, it is seen on the outside while some of us, it's on the inside. My struggle is on the inside. I struggle on this road, determined to make something of myself and to be able to work with at-risk youth. It's not easy, in fact, this has been the toughest couple of years of my life. But just like Luka, I can't stop what's against me from keeping me from doing everything I can to persevere and rise against "my disability". Giving up would be the easy thing to do-but I have never done anything easy, or looked for an easy way out. So like Luka, I will pesevere.
I needed to go out to run a few errands, including going to the library so i could get on the internet, so I thought gee, maybe I should actually try to make myself look decent. I put on a jean skirt and even put on some make up (despite it being so blistering hot). Not bad I thought.
So driving in my car, I thought gee, I need to febreeze my car tonight before my trip to Winnipeg tomorrow for a wedding. See, my car often leaks water when it's raining so sometimes the upholstery gets a little wet and it can smell musty from time to time. I thought, okay, I can do this.
I'm in a store looking at something I needed to pick up for the wedding and I kept thinking, gee, I still smell the musty smell and then I start wondering if it's my skirt? I pulled my skirt out of the back of the closet (though it was hung) and hadn't worn it at all this year yet. I couldn't exactly pull my skirt up to smell it though in the store, so I had to wait until I got to the car. I got in the car and pulled up a corner of my skirt to smell it...I stink, and I mean I really stink. I don't know if others can smell it, but I sure can. I'm skirting away from everyone, hoping they don't smell me. I hate days like that. You mean well, but it turns out you stink....
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Things I've given up include:
- driving whenever and whenever i want
- frequent trips to dollarama (I don't know if that constitutes giving up much though because most of my trips were for school)
- spending money
- going and doing most things
- internet (I'll just go to the library, as hard as it will be)
- extras for cable
- pop (most of the time)...I really need to lessen my pop consumption
- my expensive razors...however, i just had to shave my legs with the 5 for a buck from superstore razors...I've reconsidered, and no way after I had massive blood running down my leg. Cheap razors are horrible...I tell you it drew blood to make a vampire happy! I'm sorry, but I can't do it. I can't submit to my legs and underarms to the horror. i just got a gift card for a grocery store from my great grandmother, so I will use the card toward the new razor. To think I used the cheap ones for so many years...I wonder if that's why my legs are so sensitive now?
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Tonight I finally decided to watch a movie that I've had on hand for awhile. I hadn't watched it before as I kinda of figured this would be a tear jerker. I had no idea.
The film is based on a true story; an Iranian woman married to a man who is wealthy with much influence. They have four children: two sons and two daughters. She is met by the local shaman/minister who advises her that if she'll give up her husband and his rights to her and her daughters, in exchange she will receive the house, its belongings, and a stony field in which to grow food. She refuses and the minister continues to proposition her saying that if she'll allow him to come visit her, she will have food to put on the table.
She goes to her aunt, a well respected woman in the community, who questions her on her attempts to make a good marriage. After showing proof of her husband's attention to her body, her aunt is convinced to keep her and her daughters safe. After a man's wife in the community dies, the mayor and minister convince the aunt to let Soraya do his cleaning, cooking, and tending to his son.
Her husband starts to hatch a plan with the minister to see that Soraya is taken care of and out of the picture. They meet with the local mayor, who says that they must present evidence, not just gossip. They come back with witnesses, and a trial is held, without any women present (as was customary). She is found guilty and sentenced to death by stoning.
The day after her death, a French/Iranian journalist becomes stuck in the community after his car breaks down. Her aunt takes him aside and tells him the story.
Soraya's husband comes back through town in his fancy car saying the wedding is off to his young bride, saying how much he wanted her. The witness overhears and in front of the community says I lied for nothing? The mayor learns the truth (though in fact, he had known the truth all along).
When the minister discovers this, he goes berzerk, and places guns on the man if he goes any further. His belongings are destroyed and he is finally allowed to leave. However, what they don't know is that the aunt has the tape, and while he is leaving town, she is able to pass the taped transcript to him.
What results is a book that speaks for the first time on a customary practice against women in the Middle East. A book that perhaps speaks the truth of women having no voice and no rights. Whether or not you know much about world issues, you must watch this movie. My plan is now to get my hands on the book (which has been translated into English). This film makes me appreciate being a woman in North America, having freedom to say what I want and to be with whom I want. I may sometimes have my gender against me, but at the end of day, my rights can go before a court, in which I can be present. We should all be so lucky.
Friday, August 13, 2010
This month after weighing in at Weight Watchers, I have consistently been down every single week! Yay! A couple of times it wasn't a lot, but I have to focus on going down. In truth, I only lost 3.8 pounds, but I have to be proud of those pounds lost. I'm determined to do this all the way. It's not about focusing on a number for me, it's about being the healthiest I can be. I've been doing this so far for about 3 months I guess, and going down 1 size is not bad for me. If it takes me 2 years then I'm fine with that. My goal is to lose weight the healthy way.
In Canadian sizes, I've dropped to a plus size 18 (from a 20) in tops, and in the bottoms, I've dropped from a size 20/22 to a 18/20. The only real goal I've made for right now is that I desperately want to get into a size 12. When I get there, I'll make some other goals.
What's hard though is doing proper meals...summer gets really messed up and that's what I'm struggling with right now. I'm determined to take some hamburger out of the freezer tonight so I can make my Mexican Salad Topper. It's super yummy, high in fiber, and really nice in the summer. So tomorrow? My goal is to make a proper meal. You're to keep me in line.
So You Think You Can Dance Canada starts this Sunday!!!
Yuppers....Lauren came in first, followed by Kent in 2nd place and Robert in 3rd place. The finale was really well done. The group dance with all the dancers and the All Stars was incredibly done (amazing choreography).
The judges picked their favorite dances, and they even replayed Alex Wong's dance with Allison so that was so beautifully danced. There was even a tribute to him with the Twitch routine (Tabitha and Napoleon's choreography), which I've posted below through youtube. Check out Ellen-not bad eh???
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The show? Not bad...it wasn't the dancers, but there were a couple of dances that I just didn't think were appropriate for the end of the year competition, a little juvenile if you know what I mean. I tried to find some that I could post with this post tonight, but couldn't.
The great thing about having to go in again was that I did get to have a visit with my best friend. It was nice to pretend that everything was normal, I think for her and I. We went to this gelate place that I had never been to...it was good! I have a picture of the place which I'll upload later. They even had red bean gelate. I had to taste it...boy, was it beany...it was quite gross. I had strawberry tofuati and after eight. The strawberry was really good but the after eight was very strong on the mint, and very light on the chocolate.
Everything is really taking its toll on me-I just don't know how much more I can handle-correction...I don't think I can handle anything else. Money is beyond tight and I'm not going to see any EI until sometime in September. I have enough for rent and insurance and bank fees. Beyond that is quite scary now...
I am going to be introducing a new line of stepping stones and putting them up for sale, so i'm hoping that I'll have a few bites through that. The new line isn't expensive, but that's the goal-to make some pieces that anybody can afford to obtain. My costs are still covered but it's a way scaled down piece of a stained glass panel. It does have me excited. The picture below is what you can expect to see, and while this piece has already gone to its home, this is what you can expect.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
As angry as I feel, I couldn't help but be reminded of the fact that Christ, God's Son, died for us. That God had to watch his son die. Jesus' dying wasn't right-it wasn't right that he was persecuted and then chosen to die over some thief. But it was right in the sense that it was God's plan because we needed a saviour. So as much Amber's death isn't right-I know that I need to trust God about this.
I'm no longer shaking or numb. It's more than real.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I also met with EI who have approved me to take the training and continue paying me my EI. They've also agreed to pay up to $125 a week in my travel expenses. They won't cover the CPR, medical, or Class 4 license I need, but that in itself is a huge relief. HUGE. I would finish the course in the middle of December, and then hopefully see a paycheck in January sometime.
I have been pushed to my limits financially-and I think I'm finally willing to admit to everybody that I had to claim bankrupcy a year and a half ago, and am still dealing with all of it. That's the reason why I didn't have savings for the summer. My payments were so huge that I couldn't save. I'm due back in court in September, and I'm hoping for grace. In court last time, I learned that my representatives were not looking out for me, and in fact, it was the judge who had way more compassion. I have never been so broke. I'm not even sure how I'll make it through everything, but I will. I'm going to inquire about cashing in my pensions, which hopefully I can do that.
The fact is, I do feel more hope than I have in a long time. I'm opening up to new ideas and the fact that I'm finally being so honest with people about what's happened, is not only humbling and even embarassing to some extent, but a relief. I feel like a load has been lifted off of me.
So, this is me going forward and continuing this journey...
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Now most of you who know me know that I cry a lot-I cry in commercials, tv shows, movies, weddings, etc. But this isn't one of those happy cries or even crying because the girl didn't get the guy cries. I'm crying because I'm scared.
My being scared is justified. I'm freaking out okay? Every girl is allowed to have a freak out every now and then. I hate crying-it makes your face puffy and your nose run. However, maybe the crying will help me sleep and cast away the gloom on insomnia that's been hanging over my head.
My best friend phoned me today to tell me that she's got a fight on her hands with her health again. This girl has been through so much-you have no idea. She's been through hell and back with her health. Not that long ago, we thought we were going to lose her. Thankfully, by God's Grace, we didn't. But she's got another fight on her hands. So, I'm freaked out. And I think she already knows how everyone is doing.
There is one thing though now that she has that she didn't have then, and that's her husband, Neil. Oh, you don't know the relief I feel that he's there with her. It's so amazing to know that there's somebody there to watch over her all the time and to take care of her when she needs it. Believe me, it does make me feel so much better. I am so happy that she has such a wonderful man. He might be hard to get to know sometimes, but oh, I don't think I could have picked anyone for her that was half as good.
If I could take this from her, I would in a heartbeat. Part of me just wants to get angry at God, but I can't. I'm angry at the disease, not God.
I guess for now, it's one step at a time...
Friday, July 30, 2010
Because I'm a giver, I've been taken advantage of a lot in the past. This is something I've touched on before, but not to the same degree. In one day, I've said no to two big things. I said no to two different people asking to stay with me for the weekend. Truth is I did and do have plans, but I can't afford to house anybody right now and I've gotten nothing back from these people. There's more, but it's quite personal. I'm expecting another opportunity tomorrow to say no. I've been invited over for coffee tomorrow to a friend's house. It's a husband and wife. I get lots back from the husband in terms of conversation but the wife from time to time, has made comments on the side how she wished she were so rich. I'm not rich...You don't know how close I've come to have no home this summer. I've been putting up massive boundaries with them, and retreated more because I'm tired of one-way relationships.
Saying yes to me is hard because it comes with a bit of guilt in the heart, even though the head knows it's doing the right thing. Growing up, I wasn't taught to have confidence in just being me-there was a lot of emotional abuse. I've worked hard to build up my confidence but sometimes I still have trouble with those old skeletons. It's like they say, "you're not good enough". I've come to learn that I am good enough (good enough to be treated with respect by others). I am no door mat.
Monday, July 26, 2010
I'm sad for me, happy for them. They're both from the east coast, so I'm happy they're so much closer to home. I'm sad that I'm losing my friends, but I know through the wire we'll stay friends. We got together and had pizza and cupcakes and talked. Ya, I'm sad...normal people left Portage...go figure huh?
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Going through the process of E.I. and form after form; well, it's just taking its toll. I know that I'm intelligent, but I think to myself that this shouldn't be happening to me. Well, it's a lie. Folks everywhere, like me, are going through rough times. I know I'm not the only one but life just hasn't ever offered me an easy way. I'm just not sure how much more I can take. Do I settle for less than I deserve? Or do I keep trudging my way through things trying to achieve my dreams?
Some are really good at preaching, but I just can't handle preaching right now from people who aren't in my shoes. Sometimes it's better for people just to be quiet. Part of me just thinks that I need to let completely go of everything and let it be...but for those of you who know me know that giving up complete control is extremely hard.
I want to believe that things are going to get better. I do, but I've lost my faith in people. I want to be able to completely 100% trust somebody. I'm tired of letting people in and being used and tossed around.
I'm sorry that this blog went from being fun and interesting to being so depressive. I'm just not in a good space right now.
Monday, July 19, 2010
I don't really even know if I've ever seen him raging drunk. I've seen him raging, but I don't know if alcohol was involved. I have been on the phone with him when he was drunk and had to listen to his stupid rants. I'd hear about the latest escapades through the grapevine, especially from my friend John who would keep me up to date when he went to visit with his dad.
See it might sound harsh, but I really don't care what he does to himself. I couldn't care less that he's passing out. My father stopped being a father years ago, first when my half brother died of meningitis, and didn't invite me to his funeral, and secondly when I was 17 and he said that I wasn't his family. My father is a sick man, incapable of being a father to me. He really stopped being a father when I was 6.
Something changed recently though that has me angry and brought up so much emotion in me. So much, that I don't know how to express it without doing the wrong thing. I found out that he is now drinking and driving, usually on a daily basis. I've said it before, I don't care what he does to himself, but I do care when it's someone else's life involved. I feel an anger towards him because he doesn't care about someone else's child out there. He's made remarks that he doesn't care if he hits someone, and while I know that's the disease talking, shouldn't he care? He lost a child-he should know better, despite the disease right?
There's nothing I can do-it's not like I live anywhere near him that I can report when I see him driving intoxicated. I wish I could.
All of this is affecting me more than I want to admit. It's affecting a friendship that I have because I'm having trouble respecting the person when they're getting drunk every weekend and there's children involved. It's like I don't want to deal with it, so I'll make myself disappear from her life.
The fact is that alcoholics and people who get drunk scare me. And while I know that I can't fix them, and I'm not trying to, I'm wondering how to fix this feeling inside of me.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
There are some really great things about this though:
1. I am able to take risks that I probably wouldn't have taken before
2. i'm opening myself up to new experiences
3. I'm seeing what in the past needs to be changed-I can see the people that were using me and not appreciating me. When a friend can't be there for you emotionally, there's a problem.
So, I'm going through this as scary as it is, one step at a time. I had my testing last night for corrections and I think it went great. It was over 4 hours of testing and while I didn't find it necessarily hard, it was tedious and you had to stop and think. There were three separate tests, one which has to be read by specialists in Ottawa. They said it coud be as late as a month before we know anything. You're probably thinking from teaching to corrections? This isn't me leaving teaching, as I really do want to teach at the centre near me. I'm hoping this will get my foot in the door in working with the kids I want to work with. I love at risk kids. That's my passion. I need to grow, and in all that was good with the school division, there was not opportunity for growth. So, we'll see.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Meanwhile, saying all this, it's a very trying time for me. I feel beaten and let down and not sure of the future. I don't know how I'm even going to make my bills for next month. I'm hoping for E.I., but that's not been confirmed yet, and needless to say, I've learned to not trust E.I. I am looking for work in the meantime, whatever that might be. I refuse to lie down and play dead.
Times like these, you learn who your friends truly are. I've been learning for the past while that I've had a couple people in my life who have used me and used our friendship. The truth is I'm tired of having that kind of relationship. I am such a giving person, but I refuse to be used anymore. I don't know. I don't know what they see our friendship as, but they certainly haven't been there.
So, I'm struggling but life goes on. I know I need to put my faith in God for all of this.
Friday, July 2, 2010
This was the other Alex Wong routine I wanted to show...First of all, this song gives me the chills everytime, but the dance was simply chilling and phenomenal...blowing my mind...I hope it gives you the chills too!!!
So I am a huge So You Think You Can Dance fan...huge....and usually I don't gush on t.v. here, but this warrants it, in fact you'll probably be seeing more! Alex Wong is a professional ballet dancer formerly from the Miami Ballet Company. He retired in order to take on "So You Think You Can Dance". This was phenomenal-I never thought a ballet dancer could get down and dirty with the likes of the best...check it out!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
I can't take all the credit though for the dreamcatchers though because a few of the students had made them before, but they turned out very good! In our school, there are a group of people who aren't comfortable with traditional things, so I was missing a handful of students.
When explaining the dreamcatchers, I said to the students that it's up to them to choose what they believe about them. They can choose for them to be a pretty decoration or more. I had quite a few choose colors of the medicine wheel, and then i had some others choose some funky colors...I have loved my job and I'm going to miss it there!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Due to a car on the brink of death, I've been extremely limited in my applications for employment. Maybe there's a reason for that too.I don't know.
Then, on top of that, both of my pugs have been diagnosed as having pigmentary kerititis-basically, they have an eye disease that has the potential to rob them of their sight, if it hasn't already done some of that already. They're both on medication and hopefully, they'll respond well to the medication. The medication only prevents the disease from spreading-it doesn't restore sight that's been lost. We have our follow up appointment tomorrow with our vet, so it's a ride into the city. I'm doing okay with it all, but it's still been hard to swallow that both boys are dealing with this. The medication is three times a day-and I think in the end, going to be pretty costly. They're worth it though. We're also going to stop at the pet store and look for some doggles-they're supposed to help, so I'll give you more info tomorrow about our trip!
Monday, June 14, 2010
I'm hoping and keeping my fingers crossed and my mind open to new possibilities. I'm trying to focus on the positive, be around people who lift me up, and use this time to really look at myself...such as what do i really want in the longterm? What drives me? What do I need to possibly even change?
I'm just quite scared though...
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
It's been a rough time lately in all ways. You know how you can get suckerpunched all at once by a host of things? Well, that's kind of what it's been like. I'm doing okay, but I'm absolutely exhausted! Sometimes, I hate being a grown up...but then i also don't know if i'd want the pressures of being a kid again!
I'm pretty good at putting on the false front-those are the lies...they're as much for me though, as they are for other people. Sometimes, I just can't deal with reactions from other people (such as the current job situation). I pretend that I'm okay to those around me that I really don't have a lot of interaction with, but those who know me well, know how much it's killing me. I had an interview, and apparently, my references were phoned the other day, so that's good...there's still promise and hope. I haven't necesarily lost hope in the future, it's more that i'm not trusting the present. I think it's all starting to show though-the facade is cracking. I can't take certain people's bs without me getting a little bitchy, which really isn't me.
On top of it all, I need to figure out things with my car. I was supposed to go to an awesome concert in thOne bay, but due to being scared of bad roads and massive thunderstorms, I pulled out. My car is on its last wings and it's gonna blow soon. One more stress that I hope will see itself through...
I have so much to be grateful though, I really do and I know I need to concentrate on that. There's so much out there to be thankful for-my dogs, my closest friends, my mom , and stepdad and nanas, my yard, my home, my health (which is hanging in there!), and even the fact that i'm still finding jobs to apply for. That's good. See? I have a lot going for me...I just need to remind myself in the low moments how blessed I am.