Thursday, October 7, 2010

Happy Birthday To Me (I Guess)

So today is my birthday and it sucks.  It's not because I'm 30-I have no problem with that.  I'm hoping that my 30s will be a lot better than my 20s.  It's just if I be really honest, it's been quite lonely.  It's hard to admit that you feel lonely-it makes you feel vulnerable and alienated.  Problem is I really don't have anyone left where I live except for one friend.  Other close friends have moved away.  It's not to say that I don't have friendly people in my life, but it's not the same.  When I lost my job, that affected it to.  All of a sudden, people who are in your life for what you think are the right reasons, are gone.  When my paycheck disappeared, so did they.  For others, they're so busy wrapped up in their own lives, that I just don't fit.  I get it.  Life is crazy busy, but's hard knowing that your life has so radically changed.  So my friends are scattered elsewhere, and we're good at keeping in touch, but it's a bit different.  It's not like you can go and hang out at the drop of a pin. 

I'm still searching for work and really don't know where God wants me to be.  I'm searching all over but when it comes outside of Portage, I am careful with what kind of jobs I'm looking for.  Fact is, it's expensive to live and to get set up in a new place.  Then there's the cost to move.  I have to be careful when I'm applying for jobs because unless it provides a wage that I can live with, pay the bills, students loans, buy necessities-well, it's not worth applying for.  The fact is, good jobs are hard to come by.  It's difficult, but you keep searching the job sites, hoping that there's a new job that you can apply for.

All of this has taken such a toll on me.  I feel like a ghost of myself.  But yet I still have to believe that there's something better for me around the corner.  I've just been so disappointed the last many months in so many things.  I feel like I have to fight just to keep going, keep a positive attitude, and stay focused on what's important.  I'm just quite tired of this game.

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