I am the daughter of an alcoholic. I always have been. Unlike some, I was lucky enought to not have been around it much. My parents divorced as a baby, and so I only had to deal with it through visits and phonecalls. The thing is that the earlier part of my life, I remember my father drinking but never drunk. I even remember sitting on his lap having a sip of his beer and thinking it was the grossest thing. I was the lucky one, though my half brothers (that my father had with his 2nd wife) were not so lucky.
I don't really even know if I've ever seen him raging drunk. I've seen him raging, but I don't know if alcohol was involved. I have been on the phone with him when he was drunk and had to listen to his stupid rants. I'd hear about the latest escapades through the grapevine, especially from my friend John who would keep me up to date when he went to visit with his dad.
See it might sound harsh, but I really don't care what he does to himself. I couldn't care less that he's passing out. My father stopped being a father years ago, first when my half brother died of meningitis, and didn't invite me to his funeral, and secondly when I was 17 and he said that I wasn't his family. My father is a sick man, incapable of being a father to me. He really stopped being a father when I was 6.
Something changed recently though that has me angry and brought up so much emotion in me. So much, that I don't know how to express it without doing the wrong thing. I found out that he is now drinking and driving, usually on a daily basis. I've said it before, I don't care what he does to himself, but I do care when it's someone else's life involved. I feel an anger towards him because he doesn't care about someone else's child out there. He's made remarks that he doesn't care if he hits someone, and while I know that's the disease talking, shouldn't he care? He lost a child-he should know better, despite the disease right?
There's nothing I can do-it's not like I live anywhere near him that I can report when I see him driving intoxicated. I wish I could.
All of this is affecting me more than I want to admit. It's affecting a friendship that I have because I'm having trouble respecting the person when they're getting drunk every weekend and there's children involved. It's like I don't want to deal with it, so I'll make myself disappear from her life.
The fact is that alcoholics and people who get drunk scare me. And while I know that I can't fix them, and I'm not trying to, I'm wondering how to fix this feeling inside of me.